Ask Dr. John

I’m sure that you’re asking all sorts of questions about this post. I get asked lots of things all the time like “John, why are you standing over my bed at 2 AM?” and “Where are your clothes?”So I get asked questions all the time, and it appears that even a vigorous pistol-whipping is no longer an effective means of deterring them. That’s why, having downloaded a degree from a diploma mill, I’m starting my own advice column. Let’s get started.

Dear Dr. John-

I’m a pastor of a large UMC church in Washington, D.C. I’ve recently been considering changing careers into something more dynamic. After a recent trip abroad, I’m giving thought to staging a coup d’etat in a small African nation. Does this dress make me look fat?

Sincerely,

Joe(sephine) in D.C.

Dear Joe,

From the photos that you included I can tell you with certainty that you look good in that dress -- but you could look better. The thong shots reveal that you have excellent legs. I suggest that you use them to full effect by selecting a flirty microskirt. Besides being sexy, it's the latest fashion for murderous African despots.

Good luck,
John

Dr. John-

I have led a blessed life. I'm a successful engineer and am engaged to a beautiful Jewish girl. There's one little snag in my plan: a couple of years ago, I got drunk in Vegas and woke up married to a girl that I met in a bar. And there's my mail order bride from the Ukraine. And my three other wives in Utah. I'm thinking that the reception line at my wedding would be a good time to break the news to my beloved new bride. What do you think?

Mark in Delaware

Dear Mark,

You never can tell how wives will react to past (or present) romances. Polygamy, although practiced for thousands of years, is only now gaining acceptance in America. Utah and West Virginia are among the more tolerant states in our union. I advise you to sell your Jewish princess on the idea of polygamy by professing its many advantages -- for example, she doesn't have to spend as much time with you. Futhermore, additional wives have a multiplier effect on the productivity of nagging in the home. Six wives can produce the nagging of ten solitary wives due to their sharing of resources. Look at the happy expression on the face of this man. You could be him!

Blessings,
Dr. John

Do you have any questions to ask Dr. John? Leave a note in the comments or e-mail locustsandhoney2005 at yahoo dot com!