The Right Attitude

Live Every Day As If You're Dying of a Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

My dark joy at commanding an army of flesh-eating undead is, of course, balanced by the knowledge that this dark gift will kill me. That knowledge forces me to take a rather poignant and bittersweet view of life. I enjoy my coffee more than I ever have before, drinking it as if it may be my last, checking the barricades on my windows and doors, biting my wife to turn her into a zombie who will now be powerless to resist my will. And just like that, I'm off to work, wide-awake, energized, and ready to go!

All my coworkers have noted the change in me. After all, if living as if I'm dying slowly from a contagious disease that turns the people I bite into flesh-eating zombies has done one thing, it's really taught me who my friends are. Once I bit our office IT guy Lowell every day for three straight weeks, turning a reticent cube drone into both a confidant and a ravenous monster that exists only to consume the flesh of the living. When I told Lowell about my contagious and fatal imaginary disease, he was intrigued. Although he's a ways from taking the bull by the horns and creating a few flesh-eaters of his own, he's treated me with a quiet respect ever since.