Guess as to why in the comments.
The funniest commentor wins a date with Beth Quick.
UPDATE: The winner is, of course, Matthew Johnson:
It takes two days to find the right Festivus pole? Seriously, much can one aluminum pole differ from another?
Indeed it does. Especially when I'm trying to impress my in-laws. That's where I am, in scenic Schertz, Texas. In the morning, I shall engage in the local rite of manhood among the natives of this land, which is to rise far too early in the morning to journey down to the Dairy Queen with my father-in-law and the men of the town to eat breakfast.
Our very first act, upon crossing into the state this afternoon, was to venture to a Whataburger for real food -- as my wife sees it.
My beloved tries to hide a central plank of her worldview: that the world beyond Texas is -- at least --- mildly uncivilized and in need for conversion into a more Texas-like culture. Out of politeness to her friends in Florida, she tries not to express this publicly. "They just don't know any better." As we have journeyed into the Lone Star Republic, she has been increasingly less inclined to hide this perspective. I'm sure that my Texas readers understand why.