Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Koskelanator Anti-Zombie Combat Vehicle

You may have noticed that most cars are not designed to be operated safely in zombie-infested areas. This is a substantial oversight which I intend to remedy.

Lacking a scanner, I have simply taken a photograph of my schematic, so if it's unclear, click on the picture for a larger image.

Life during and after a zombie apocalypse will be fraught with peril -- a time of savagery, survival, and violence. Naturally I have therefore named the premier anti-zombie combat vehicle after Lorna Koskela whose heroism at the Battle of Turku has been an inspiration to us all.

Permit me to describe its features. It has a gasoline engine torqued low (you'll never need to go faster than 40 MPH) with a 60-gallon tank. In fact, it could be described as little more than an armored gas tank. But there's more!

A. Rugged, solid rubber tires that may provide for a rough ride, but you'll never have to change a tire while surrounded by zombies.

B. Metal battering ram for those times when you must simply roll over your foes.

C. Steel-cage protected floodlights. As we saw in Night of the Living Dead, zombies will smash out car headlights, so these need to be protected, unless you like driving and fighting in the dark. The floodlights are on all sides, because Zach will come at you from all directions, and you need to know what is around you.

D. Gun ports. For shooting. Pacifists tend not to survive zombie encounters.

E. Wire-reinforced windows, all around.

F. A rear hatch, also with floodlights and a window.

G. A top hatch with an 8-inch rim around it so that you can see around your vehicle, and even exit it, without exposing yourself to immediate danger. The rim protects you from falling off the vehicle if it moves.

H. Inside is a toilet, which is little more than a hatch in the floor. You might be in this vehicle for a while.

Air conditioning and stereo are optional. And a lowrider package is under development.


Jeff the Baptist said...

Some thoughts:

Just use a diesel. You get the torque you want, better mileage, and you can run it off any vegetable oil you find if you use the proper seals, lines, and gaskets.

Solid rubber tires are only for Car Wars. You need a good contact patch to get all that torque to the ground. Consider a tracked or half-track vehicle instead if you are worried about standard tires not being rugged enough.

A lot of the reinforced units like lights can be bought COTS as off-roading gear. A good roo-bar/brush guard might do for a battering ram.

The rest of it is good. You might be able to retrofit an existing surplus M3 to get everything you need. They probably aren't even that expensive.

Anonymous said...

They built a pretty decent one in the movie dawn of the dead.

Anonymous said...

Can't believe no comment on the zombie chickens yet. (And its not even an onion story)

John said...

Zombie chickens? This is a serious blog here, Stephen. We don't fool around with nonsensical stories about zombie chickens. We keep it real.

Good ideas, Jeff. I didn't know that diesel engines could run off of vegetable oil.

Stresspenguin said...

Humvees use a magnezium "donut" inside thier tires as a run flat technology. If something gets through the thick bias ply tire, it can still roll about 30 miles at a top speed of 30 mph.

The problem with such a design is replacing the old tire. I would suggest having one spare, spares cached at friend's and families' homes (with food and water supply) and a catalog of lacations spares can be found. You'll need them already mounted. Otherwise, you need to learn how to mount a tire on a rim, know where you can find the tools to do it (the big pneumatic ones found at garages) and practice it for time.

You may want to also equip it with a central tire inflation system (CTIS) which will allow you to continually refill the tire with air as you roll. It can also be used to power air tools or maybe even homemade defensive/offensive weapons on the KAZCV.

Speaking of water, you probably want a high water fording kit like on Marine Corp HMMWVs. You'll also need a rain catch and filter system. Remember the rule of threes:

Humans can survivethree:
hours without shelter
days without water
weeks without food

Last but not least: cover you butt. In other words, get a wide crossmesh for your toilet exit. Small (former children) zombies could be industrious and come up the toilet.