Monday, January 29, 2007

Locusts & Honey Investigative Reports: Asbury Theological Seminary Completely Unprepared for Full-Scale Zombie Attack

It gives me no pleasure to release this Special Report of the Locusts & Honey Network, but the public has a right to know: the Florida Campus of Asbury Theological Seminary is hopelessly unprepared to resist an onslaught of the flesh-eating undead.

Despite the warnings of citizen action groups, students, and alumni, Asbury has made no efforts to improve the defensive posture of the Florida Campus. Now Locusts & Honey Investigative Reports takes you inside the wide-open Florida Campus.

How is the main entrance to the building defended? With steel bars? Metal shutters? Even wood? No -- only an automatic glass door which slides open for the convenience of even the laziest zombie.

Just inside: the welcome desk. What do we find inside? A security guard armed with a repeating shotgun? No -- only a "student assistant" carrying not so much as a slingshot. This is the first, and sadly, last line of active defense in the seminary.

Huge, floor-to-ceiling windows span the length of the first floor. Against a zombie siege, or even a few determined zombies, these would come down within minutes. Yet the administration has done nothing to protect students, faculty, and staff from this obvious weakpoint.

This is the tiny pantry in the kitchen. Its present stocks are capable of providing perhaps 50 meals at most. Also: it is in an exposed area on the first floor, so that if you have to fall back upstairs, you've lost your food supply. Not a smart design to say the least. It is almost as though the architects deliberately ignored all of the conventions of anti-zombie defensive design.

The campus does not have to be the deathtrap that it currently is. The campus could be, theoretically, a veritable fortress against the armies of the undead. It is, unlike most seminaries, a single building. The second floor in particular is very defensible if the administration makes changes now. The rear stairwell, for example, can be readily barricaded from inside, preventing zombie access to the upper floor.

The front stairwell is another matter: it requires substantial modifications before it is defensible. I would suggest a portcullis with a crank on the wall so that any passing student could immediately seal off the top floor in the event of a zombie attack.

Two sets of heavy interior doors on the second floor could provide a further fall-back position, should the staircase be overrun, as well as provide opportunities to attack zombies from two directions in a pincer movement.

So what does Asbury Theological Seminary need to do to secure the Florida Campus from zombie attacks? Here are a few items:

  • Brick up all glass on the first floor and replace the front door with steel.

  • Stock up with food, medicine, and ammo necessary to maintain 200 people (local students, faculty, and staff) for two months.

  • Make structural changes necessary to secure the second floor in case the first falls to the undead.

Will these modifications be expensive? Of course. But I think that most students would be more than willing to pay the extra tuition necessary to zombie-proof the campus so that in the worst-case scenario, we could survive.

Do you want to contribute to the cause? Call or e-mail ATS administrators and faculty, demanding the immediate implementation of my proposals. Tell them to take the zombie menace seriously.


Anonymous said...

John,why are you so worried? Zombies aren't known for high IQs. Do you really think that they know the difference between a seminary and cemetary? Zombies would never go looking for the living among the dead.. 8^)

MethoDeist said...

My hats off to you. As a zombie movie lover, I love all that is zombie. I never thought that anyone could take zombie and seminary and put them together but you did.

Only one word will suffice and that is:


Sally said...

too many late night study sessions John????

John said...

Scoff if you will. But I at least will take the zombie threat seriously.

the reverend mommy said...

It's when the Televanglists become Zombies, THERE'S the threat. When Benny HInn joins the legions of the undead...

Billy said...

Don't forget your boom stick!

Dana said...

then the bodies will TRULY hit the floor, reverendmommy ;)

Keith McIlwain said...

At Pittsburgh Theological Seminary, we used a different name for "zombies"; we called them "Presbyterians".