Monday, January 01, 2007

You Might Be a Redneck Pastor If...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask (when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000) whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding"

There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal fount is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

A parishioner introduces you to his wife and his sister and there is only one girl standing there.

Found on an in-house Asbury message board.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good stuff.

Anonymous said...

John,
With all due respect, you might want to go to http://heartontheleft.blogspot.com/2006/07/southern-born-bred.html

Vicki said...

John,
I believe I've visited in a couple of those churches...especially in certain parts of Kentucky and Tennessee. One of 'em even had a fancy "six-seater" outhouse out back near the woods.

Anonymous said...

With due respect for the absolutely funny "redneck" entries...I must share what the local Baptist Youth Minister (my former employee) shared with me:

"You might be a redneck if you used Christmas lights for an extension cord." I asked him how he came up with that profound observation and he replied: "Cuz I did it!"

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