Thursday, February 08, 2007

Churches as a Place of Refuge During Zombie Attacks

"Forgive the expression, but places of worship are a mixed blessing. The main advantage of most churches, synagogues, mosques, and other houses of worship is that they are built to withstand forced entry. Most have heavy wood or metal doors. Windows tend to be high off the ground. A majority possess wrought-iron fences that, despite their aesthetic intent, can serve as added protection. When compared to many secular structures of equal size, your typical place of worship is surprisingly secure. However, the protection they offer during an outbreak will never be enough against the horde of zombies that are sure to come. The inevitable onslaught has, of course, nothing to do with the supernatural. Satan's soldiers are not out to invade God's house. Ultimate evil is not doing battle with ultimate good. The walking dead attack churches for one good reason: it's where the food is. Despite their education, technical savvy, and professed disinterest in the spiritual world, urban Americans run, screaming to their gods, at the first sight of zombies. These places of worship, crammed with people loudly praying for their souls, have always served as beacons for the undead. Aerial photographs have shown zombies migrating, slowly, steadily, and with increasing numbers, toward their future slaughterhouse: the nearest church." (82-81)

What provisions have you made to make your local church defensible in the event of a zombie attack?*

*Nota bene United Methodist seminarians: this question is generally asked by the Board of Ordained Ministry during probationary membership interviews.

6 comments:

Tom Jackson said...

Zombies being already dead, can they be re-killed without violating #6?

Art said...

John, I've been taking notes on all this zombie stuff you post... but I'm staring to think this might be a big joke.

Jeff the Baptist said...

Art, that's what the zombies want you to think. Or would if they could want anything other than your delicious brains... Brains!

But yeah churches are bad. Of course Max Brooks's suggestion of "run to the nearest oil platform" doesn't seem to be very practical or useful to me either.

Tim Sisk said...

Quaerere: Would Pentecostal Churches with their super-Spirit abilities be a help or a hinderance in the event of Zombie attacks?

I'm thinking that if Benny Hinn can with the sweep of one arm knock down hundreds of worshipers from a distance, that this could be very helpful in clearing a lane to flee from Zombies.

But then I think about the whole "laying on of hands" thing. Wouldn't that invite Zombies into close contact?

I'm conflicted.

Tom Jackson said...

One of the comments to the most recent Wesleyblog post refers to an attack by Kabbalists.

Would this be similar to a zombie attack?

John said...

Art, there's no 'humor' tag on this post. The survival of you and your family in the event of a zombie attack requires thoughtful preparation. When the undead come slouching for you, it's already too late.

Jeff, Brooks underemphasizes one serious danger during zombie attacks. During a level 3 or 4 attack, you're in more danger from your fellow humans than from zombies as people fight for limited shelter and supplies. Desperate humans can do far more damage than zombies.

Tim, whenever possible, avoid personal combat with zombies. They lack all range weapons, but their bites are deadly.

Tom, no. Kabbalists may have an interest in the mysteries of death, but are not infected with the Solanum virus that causes zombieism.