Tony Morgan asks what church would be like if Apple Computers created one. That's an interesting train of thought. I'll ask the opposite question: if Microsoft started a church, what would it be like?- Pastoral care costs $1.99 a minute, including asking where the bathrooms are.
- You'll be paying this rate for thirty minutes while the pastor stands there and stares at you before answering.
- Worship services will, at least once a month, inexplicably stop in the middle. The worship service must then be restarted from the beginning.
- The Order of Worship will be wildly inaccurate.
What else would be a glitch feature in a Microsoft church?
Hat tip: Gavin Richardson
5 comments:
Every three years there will be a worship service "upgrade", requiring the congregation to spend lots of money for new equipment, but generating no appreciable benefit for them.
All hymns will be upgraded to new versions, copyright 2007 Microsoft. Some form of legal trickery will be found to patent the rhyme, meter, and harmony schemes found in the new hymns. Anyone who attempts to distribute older public-domain hymns will be subtly threatened with patent and copyright litigation.
Microsoft : Everyone will go to church because they didn't realize there was anything else to do on Sunday, there will be 9 different levels of seating in the sanctuary, and if you want to be able to hear the sermon, or have a cushion on your pew, it costs extra.
Apple : Everything in the church is shiny plastic and brushed metal, with pastel color accents. There is only one God, and his name is Steve Jobs. Tithing is 20%, but at least the presentation and sound are nice.
Linux : Only old guys with beards and young kids with tattoos & nose rings attend, they do so at night, and caffeine is served for communion. Tithes are welcome, but not required, anyone can contribute the Bible, and services can be rewritten to be held anywhere from a closet to a battleship.
Microsoft: the worship bulletin will have several pages containing no text other than "This page intentionally left blank."
Before receiving information from the church, members must download and run Genuine Microsoft verification software.
Occasionally, the church sanctuary will turn blue, and worship will have to start over from the beginning.
Apple: Will be roughly similar to Microsoft and will cost twice as much, but worshipers won't shut up about how much better it is.
Matt's suggestions are absolutely perfect! Especially the Linux open-source Bible.
My additions:
In the Microsoft church, the preacher will occasionally freeze in mid-sermon, requiring you to run down the hall to find the sexton, who will come back and dig around in the organ pipes for a while.
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