Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Now Hiring at Locusts & Honey

Position: Senior Henchman.

HR Requisition: #0771.

Position Description: The Senior Henchman supervises 3 full-time toadies, 5 part-time lackeys, and between 8-12 on-call minions. The Senior Henchman coordinates and oversees district-wide thuggery, prisoner processing and management, and organ extraction and preservation. This position involves participation in committee assignments regarding team building, human resources, and professional development. Must perform other duties as assigned.

A criminal background check will be performed as a part of the hiring process. A felony conviction is not an automatic bar to employment.

Minimum Qualifications: 2 years experience in a laboratory setting, as well as proven success at ransacking, pillaging, and marauding. Strong interpersonal skills are critical for this position. Must possess or be able to acquire a Henchman's License in the state of Florida within six months of hiring. MS Office skills.

Preferred Qualifications: Bachelor's degree in criminology from an Evil Overlord-approved institution. Web 2.0 competencies.

Compensation: varies with professional experience and education.

Application Process: copy and paste curriculum vitae into the comments section of this post, or e-mail CV to locustsandhoney2005 at yahoo dot com.

Closing Date: 12/1/2008.

Preference given to diversity candidates. Locusts & Honey is an equal opportunity employer that strives for a diverse workforce.

12 comments:

Meliele said...

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Meliele and I'm an level 39 Night Elf Rogue [oversees district-wide thuggery] and my two professions are skinning and leatherworking [organ extraction and preservation]. I am in good standing with the Alliance [criminal background check will be performed], and for personal references, you may check with my friend John Wesley .While my talent specialization is in subtlety, I am not lacking in the areas of assasination or combat [Must perform other duties as assigned]. I am adept with daggers, swords, and thrown weapons, moderate with unarmed, and capable with a crossbow. I will bring my own tools.

John said...

Very interesting. Are you legally eligible to work in the United States?

Stresspenguin said...

I don't have the lab setting experience, but I was a propagandist for the Army for four years, and I have a summer's worth of experience as a bouncer at a gay/raver club. I'm weak on MS Access, but skilled at the other apps on both Mac and MS versions. I've cross-trained with OpenOffice, and I'm an expert at the M16A2/M-4 carbine and M-60 and have qualified as sharpshooter with the M-9 and M-203. I can demonstrate proficiency with a KA-BAR and entrenching tool at the interview stage.

I have a BS in criminology, but I'm not sure Missouri State University is Evil Overlord approved. As it is a state school, I figure it qualifies. I also minored in poetry writing. I got mad html skillz, but just a smattering of CSS experience.

Keith Taylor said...

John,

I ran an experimental heat transfer and fluid mechanics lab in graduate school working on my master's thesis.

Since I am "turbine guy" in the electric power industry, I pretty much have the ransacking, pillaging, stealing, and marauding down pat.

I used a manage a 35 guys in an IBEW Union shop in Atlanta so I am good at supervising the toadies, lackeys and on-called minions.

Since I am in nuclear power, my fingerprints and my FBI background check is already on file and I am sure they can be digitally stolen.

My ex union lackeys will testify that I was an excellent Evil Overloard based on the number of greivances that they filed against me. My skills at hating will have to supliment my Evil-Overlord practical experience. They can be found by doing a Google search of "John Keith Taylor" and "Hate Bama" on the web.

As for Web 2.0 competencies, that is for a bunch of propeller head geeks and dweebs that I used to beat the crap out of in high school, so that function will be subcontracted by me to a toadie or lackey at cost plus 25% for overhead and profit.

For my services, I will require a salary of not less than 10 million US dollars, plus the T&M rates for the Web toadie, plus a company Lincoln Navigator to drive, plus a part-time position with full time pay for my wife as an administrative assistant will a full clothing and assessory and beauty budget.

Oh, and I need a 10 guage, side by side, double barrel shotgun, a case of 00 buckshot, and a red-letter edition of the King James Bible. I also require paper and certification from the Governor of the State granting me the titles of "Colonel Aide de Kamp" in the State Malitia and from the GC-UMC granting me the position of "Supreme Grand Master Bishop" in the UMC.

I know the latter doesn't exist, but you should be able to pull some strings to make it happen, if not, I'll settle for local licensed pastor and I'll take care of the rest myself at cost plus 35% for overhead and profit.

Oh, and I need a full relocation allowance and package.

I can start 2 weeks from Monday.

Meliele said...

Does the legality of my intended actions matter, so much as, or more than, the validity?

John said...

Look, I just don't want to get in trouble with the INS. We do things by the book here: Social Security, Worker's Comp, payroll taxes.

John said...

Keith -- you're pricing yourself out of the market. This isn't even a middle management position.

Stresspenguin -- do you think that your poetry, like that of the Vogons, could be considered a form of torture?

Meliele said...

Then I think that perhaps what you are seeking is a CPA (Certified Professional Assassin), rather just a Senior Henchman.

Stresspenguin said...

My 300 level poetry class was taught by a Vogon. Either that, or it was a guy with really poor hygiene. I get confused.

DannyG said...

I love having Minions. Had them when I was a grad-student (otherwise known as underclassmen needing extra credit). Now I'm supervising 4 doctoral level students at a time during the school year and several on a 1:1 basis durring summers. Just had my 4 complete data gathering on little project. All I have to do is throw the numbers into a statistics package and I'll be ready to club data processing dept with the results. And, with a little creativity, it might even make a decent poster presentation at a professional meeting. Minions: Don't leave home without them!

Keith Taylor said...

John,

I didn't realize you had such low aspirations.

"I zhought we zwere verking to take oser ze werld!!!"

If you just want to deal with just your local county, I'll cut my price to..."about a hundred dollars, a hundred dollars."

I'll still need the shotgun, buckshot and the Bible, but I'll take an old Good News one from your church if you can't find a red letter KJV.

I'll work on commission for the rest of the universe, but you'll wish you'd have paid me the 10 million dollars.

John said...

Meliele, you can do 'assassin', but my question is, can you do 'thug'? There are people who make good doctors but would be lousy nurses. Can you overcome the elegance of the assassin to embrace the vulgarity of the henchman?