Ever since the first Beth Stroud decision was handed down by a church jury, I'm sure that you've been desperately asking the question that I have: "What do the heroes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force think?" After much pleading, the crime-fighting trio has agreed to an interview, specifically on the subject of the California-Nevada Annual Conference decision to define homosexuality as a protected 'status' under the UMC Constitution, and to decline to define 'homosexual practice'.
JOHN: Welcomes to Locusts & Honey, gentlemen. Thanks for agreeing to this interview. I'd like to start out with --
MASTER SHAKE: Welcome to what? It's just a cheap website. I bet even your own girlfriend wouldn't read this crap. Look at this -- "Changes to the Methodist Candidacy Process". Like any self-respecting woman would hang out with a loser who would produce such --
JOHN: I don't have a girlfriend. I'm married. And yes, my wife does read --
MASTER SHAKE: Is this one of those mail-order brides? Because our neighbor tried importing one from Chechnya...or is this one of those 'imaginary wives' that everyone hears about from you but no one actually --
FRYLOCK: Shake, shut up. You're being rude. John, thanks for interviewing us today. Actually, we have a lot to say about the recent California-Nevada Annual Conference's response to the Judicial Council's decision in the Rev. Beth Stroud case. I think that if you read the actual text of the statement, you'll --
MEATWAD: I thought that we were Wushans.
FRYLOCK: What?
MEATWAD: I thought that we were W-, W-...what is that word?
MASTER SHAKE: It's Wiccan, you moron. And no, we're atheists now.
FRYLOCK: We are not atheists.
MASTER SHAKE: [laughs] Oh, yeah? Look at Meatwad and tell me that there's a God.
MEATWAD: He made me in His own image.*
MASTER SHAKE: Yeah, that's right. God is a big ball of rancid ground chuck beef.
JOHN: Frylock, what were you saying about the California-Nevada Conference statement?
FRYLOCK: Well, John, the statement is in compliance with the UMC Constitution, as Dean Snyder argued --
MASTER SHAKE: AntiChrist! AntiChrist! [produces hammer and wooden stake] We must exercise this demon in Frylock!
FRYLOCK: That's called 'exocise', and put that damn stake away! I'm tired of you carrying that around and scaring the neighborhood!
MASTER SHAKE: [muted and hurt] I'm just doing what TBN tells me to do. But if you want to crush my delicate soul and impair my spiritual development..maybe I'll just run away and join a cult. I hear that the Jehovah's Witnesses are hiring.
FRYLOCK: Calm down, Shake. Let's just get through this interview and get our money.
JOHN: What? Money? What are you talking about?
FRYLOCK: I'm talking about the money for this interview. [sternly] The money that we agreed to.
JOHN: What? I brought the bag of cheetos just like Meatwad said. [presents bag]
MEATWAD: Hooray!
FRYLOCK: Meatwad! I told you to agree to $300!
MASTER SHAKE: [munching and scolding] Frylock, in the post-apocalyptic world that is coming -- don't you read Left Behind? -- cheetos will be the main tradable commodity. Your paper money will be meaningless.
JOHN: That's all we have time for today. Thanks for joining us on Locusts & Honey! Tomorrow: the fallout from Shane Raynor's appearance in Playgirl.
*Line borrowed from an actual ATHF episode.
5 comments:
that is excellent & proof positive that john has way too much time on his hands. thanks for the laugh brother. -shalom
Glad to, bro. Thanks for stopping by.
I needed that this morning. Thank you!
Ah but what does the cube of infinite wisdom have to say about this? Probably something involved me catching my refridgerator because it is still running...
We Moonenites have infinite wisdom and care nothing for what some pathetic cube has to say. On the Moon, our cubes have eight sides. Beat that.
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