Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Jesus Instructs His Disciples

After these things, Jesus gathered his disciples on the mountain and spake unto them, "When thou goest forth, be sure that documents are properly signed, for the wrath of the District Secretary is a fearsome thing, and if any are left unsigned, thou shall be cast into the lower parts of the earth, where there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Peter arose and said unto the Lord, "Master, my Fund Balance Report generates the most terrible of numbers, as though a demon has seized the spreadsheet and imputed a false formula."

"O fools, and slow of heart to believe! How long shall I be with you, o faithless and perverse generation! Bring the file to me!" And the Lord took the file in his hands and changed the Column C Disbursements into negative numbers, and the demon came out of the Column E Balance.

And when he came down from the mountain, great multitudes followed him. And, behold, there came a supply pastor and worshipped him, saying, "Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me PPRC members, for the number is few."

And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, "I will; thou shall have an exemption." And immediately his PPRC slots were filled.

The Pharisees also came unto him, testing him, and saying unto him, "Why dost thou disciples roll their Membership Audits into the end-of-year reports, yet permit the audit to be dated three months prior?"

And the Lord thundered "Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men."

And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his apportionments, and follow me."


Elizabeth said...


Gregory said...

Too funny! After Charge Conference this past Sunday, I can totally relate.